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Sunday, June 2nd, 2002
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5:22 pm
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<td>
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<td width="300">
I am
Jack!
But people call me Cowboy. I'm the leader of the Upper East Side newsies
and the strike leader. I look out for every newsie and make sure they're
taken care of, and that's why they respect me. My friends are very loyal
to me, and trust what I say, even though I sometimes improve the truth a little,
but what great newsie doesn't? I'm in love with Sarah, Davey's sister.
But even with all this "glory," I dream of escaping to Santa Fe.
Which Newsie are you?...Quiz by Dara.</td>
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(10 comments | comment on this)
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5:20 pm - My favorite actor
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| Saturday, June 1st, 2002
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5:21 pm
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| Friday, May 31st, 2002
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3:25 pm
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Well, I just took a pill. They're called Yellow Jackets and they are funny looking because they look like a bee! One side is black and the other half is yellow with black stripes. How creative... decorating a pill! It takes a while to kick in and I have a while to go so we'll see. I am going to a suprise party for Ethan later so I won't be stuck writing in there all night like always. Last night I went to Dions with Rachael, Mal, Joey, Candace, and Rachael. It was fun. We saw so many people we knew too. Anyway, I have to go gas my car up and get Ethan a gift so I will see ya later. Bye
current mood:  bouncy
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(comment on this)
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12:25 am
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A'ight, so Malerie got the pills and I got them here now so I will be starting them tomorrow. They are really big and that sucks because I can't even take baby asprin pills. I have the motivation, I can do it! I will keep you posted on how that goes. My stomache hurts right now. I ate a doughnut and it made me so sick. I hate eating... it makes me feel like this. Hopefully I will solve that problem tomorrow. Woo woo. I am going to go to bed now. Goodnight all
current mood:  nauseated
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, May 30th, 2002
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7:49 pm - Some of my favorite quotes:
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"You're trying to fight gravity on a planet that insists love is like falling, and falling is like this."
"The worste way to miss someone is to see them standing right next to you and to know that you can't have them."
"When he shall die, they will take him and cut him out into a thousand little stars, and he will make the heavans so beautiful that everyone will be in love with the night."
"Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so."
"No guy is worth you tears, and the one who is won't make you cry."
"No one can ever promise that they will never hurt you, because eventually it will happen in some way. What you have to decide is whether the pain in the end is worth it."
"Real loss only occurs when you lose something that you love more than yourself."
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before."
"Memories are the best souvenirs."
"Don't ever give up if you still want to try, don't ever wipe your tears if you still want to cry. Don't ever settle for an answer if you still want to know. Don't ever say you don't love him if you can't let him go."
"A failing love is like desperately hanging on to something precious; not wanting to give up, but your hands feel the pain. And, when you finally let go, you're free from any pain, but your hands are empty."
"Letting go of someone dear to you is hard, but holding on to someone who doesn't even feel the same is much harder. Giving up doesn't mean you are weak! It only means that you are strong enough to let go!"
"Breaking up is just like having the worst nightmare after having the best dream."
"Sometimes we tend to be in despair when the person we love leaves us, but the truth is, it's not our loss, but theirs, for they left the only person who wouldn't give up on them."
"Our sweetest songs are those that tell of the saddest thoughts."
"The worst thing a guy can do is let a girl fall in love when he doesn't intend to catch her fall."
"The hardest thing to do is watch someone you love, love someone else."
"The only way to keep sane is to go a little crazy."
current mood:  contemplative
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7:03 pm
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| Wednesday, May 29th, 2002
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8:27 pm - Blast from the past
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I just read through all of my old journal entries. Most of them were from freshman year. Now I'm a junior so it's been a while. It's funny, because I remember going through all of those things, but I forgot about them. The things that seemed so incredibly important to me back then mean nothing to me now. I'm sure they mean something, but not so much. It made me sad about some things. Angelica, I don't know if you're reading this anymore, but if you ever do, we should talk more. I miss you! I was reading all my entries and I completely forgot about how close we were. I sound like a horrible person, because I have let us drift so far apart. I don't know if you'll read this, so I will stop. A lot has changed in my life since then. I am a different person. I hope I have changed for the better. It's crazy how much time changes things. Does time change things or do people change things? I was talking to Malerie earlier and somehow we got on the subject of how God has a plan for everyone. That he sets a date for us to be born and a date for us to die. I truly believe that there are no mistakes. Things happen for a reason. There's this country song that tells the story about how when this man was younger, he prayed every night to God that he could be with this women. But later on he married someone else. And he couldn't be happier. He said "some of God's greatest gifts are his unanswered prayers." It makes so much sense to me now why I go through the things I go through. When I wish for things and they never come true, well I guess that just means that God has something else coming for me. Something better. Some days I feel really good and I love the world. But other days all I want to do is curl up and die. Who knows. I know I put too much thought into everything. I worry like crazy. I have lived with worry my entire life so I'm used to it by now. I wonder if people actually read this? I have written so much today and I probably will write more later. It's so easy to pour my heart out on the computer. I kinda hope no one reads this but then again I hope that people do. I would love for people to understand me. If someone were to say "Oh yeah Chelsi does this...", well that would make me the happiest person alive. Brian and Chris did stuff like that and it made me melt. Brian understand me like no one does. He will tell me things about myself that are so true and it blows me away that he takes the time to notice it. I have always like that boy, and I'm still deciding whether that's a good thing or not. I have been with him and I have seen how he is through so many different ways. I have seen him go from girl to girl, me being one of them. But I have stuck around. He is with Katrina now, they're going on 2 years. They seem very happy. I mean, it sometimes bothers me that they're together. She's a sweetheart, she really is. But I think I only have a problem with it because it's Brian. I do the same thing with Chris. He's with Jessie. Even when people say her name it makes me want to break down and cry because I know how lucky she is to be with Chris. Maybe he's treating me like shit. By telling me how he has this connection with me and that we have a future someday, just not now. Right now it's all about Jessie. And I'm just waiting. It's like I'm second best to him. But the thing is, is that I was there first. It's so hard to explain. The word Chris can't be in the same sentence without the world complicated. On a better note, my birthday is in 17 days. Beautiful! I can't wait. I turn 17. Next year (after I graduate high school) me, Mal, and Fiona are all going to live together and that is going to be awesome. I couldn't have found better friends! There are only some people you can really live with. Because I know I could get sick of some of my best friends if I lived with them. But not Mal. She's my sister. My worm buddy. Ha Ha. Life is so hard to explain. I am amazed by it right now. I have to go now because my dad needs the computer. I'm sure I'll be back later. Bye all~
current mood:  pleased
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5:40 pm - Urgh
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My brother just called. I hate it when he calls every single day and I hate the way my parents act. They treat him like he's a damn saint when really he's supposed to be being punished. He's in jail. I have accepted it. I need no pitty. But seriously, in my opinion, jail is too nice. They treat people so nice there. They feed them candy bars and give them computer classes. I know it's probably nice for some people there. But jail is not supposed to be nice. By treating my brother so nicely, well he is never going to learn anything. I know right now that he has no remorse for doing what he did. He'll only be in there a year and I'm sure he could care less either way. Here or there, it doesn't matter. I don't want him to come home. Sometimes I forget I have a brother and then the second I realize I have one I think about how much shit he dragged our family through. I know I'm quite bitter toward him. I have had enough and the fact that he is never going to learn really makes me mad. I thought he would learn at least something, but nope. My parents sit there and they even send him money! It's just like he is living at home, because my parents pay for everything there, just for him! They have some kind of system where people can send them money orders and they can use those to buy clothes and candy bars or whatever they're heart desires. That's bullshit. Jail is so nice, that if I was homeless, poor, and dying I would just go rob a bank because jail would be heaven for someone who was living on the streets. I'm not saying I would ever break the law like that, that's not me. I'm just making a point, that's all. I wish my brother would learn. After being arrested... 7 times or so.... wouldn't he learn ANYTHING? All he's learned is how to survive in jail (with my parents money of coarse) and he's learned how to lie real good. Wow, how proud I am.
current mood:  aggravated
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2:37 pm - Bless the world of medicine
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Last night when Mal came over she told me about these diet pills Fiona is taking and she's lost like 15 pounds from them. And Mal is starting to take them and I think I will too. I'm kinda excited to take them but then again I'm kinda scared. I know they're not healthy. They're pretty much legalized speed. But I have had an "emotion problem with my weight" since before I can remember. Seriously, it has always been a problem. I have never been satisfied with the way I look, never. I want to take these pills because I know they could really help me. I'm not fat, but I know they could help me with my self esteem and maybe give me some confidence. The only problem is hiding them from my parents. I know they would kick my ass so hard if they knew I was taking anything like that. I can try to hide it the best I can. I will make up some lies about why I'm not hungry. I am always sick, so the good old stomach ache sounds like a good one. I feel bad for wanting to take them, because I know how I am and I would probably become reliant on them. We'll see what happens. I'm also excited about taking them. I don't know what to say about it now. If anyone reads this who knows anything about diet pills, I would really like to hear from you. Are these at all safe?
current mood:  curious
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2:19 pm - I love this thing
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I love this live journal. It's wonderful. Yesterday Mal came over to my house around 10:30. She sounded really distressed on the phone. Her dad has really been on her case lately and it is making me so mad. She went to Carlsbad for a few days to visit her friend and when she got back her dad said, "Great. Now everything's screwed up now that you're back." He is so mean to her. And last night when she came back from my house he threatened her and pushed her up against the wall with his hand around her neck. I talked to her today about it, and I am really scared for her. She says she is fine and that everything will blow over. But she shouldn't have to be going through that. Not at all. She is my best friend and I am so worried for her well being. I know her dad does this because he's drunk. And honestly, he is ALWAYS drunk. I can't even count the times I have gone to her house when he is drunk. I know he is messing her up. She is so strong and I love that girl, but I don't know if she can last. She says everything will be fine next year when she moves out with me and Fiona. We have been planning to live together after high school for a while now. I just hope she can make it.
current mood:  worried
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| Monday, May 27th, 2002
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4:37 pm
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So I realized I forgot to mention something else. "Krispy" is the name I will use to refer to him. I have liked this guys for so long, probably since the begining of the year. He is friends with Malerie. i remember the first time I saw him. I was walking in the hall with Mal and they saw each other and said hi and I was just blown away with how gorgous he was. His eyes are so adorable, like a puppy. And he has these red, rosy cheeks. Everything about him is wonderful. Later on Malerie introduced us and she tried getting us to talk. We even hung out a few times, actually a lot. And his personality blew me away too. He has everything I look for in a guy. But he is such a player. I have seen him go through girl after girl, and I know he would go through me. But I want him to. It's better to have a single day with him then nothing at all. There was this one night, when we all went to the park and played around on the playground. Malerie, Joey, and Rachael stole my car keys and got in my car, leaving me and Krispy by ourselves. But we ran after them anyway. They locked us out of the car. So we sat on the back. Malerie decided to drive around with us on it (slowly of coarse) and it was amazing. We were lying there looking at the stars. And first I was mad that they were driving with us on it, but then he said, "don't worry, we might as well enjoy it!" And it was great. He told me I could hold on to his arm if I wanted but I am a chicken shit so I didn't. He is amazing. But the thing is, is that I try to show him I like him and when I'm with him he acts like he likes me too, by flirting and hugging and all that good stuff. But when we don't hang out we don't really talk. And now that the summer is here, we have no halls to run into each other in. I guess all we have is me calling him to hang out. Which is fine by me. I thought he wouldn't care about us riding on the car, and talking and looking at the stars. But he signed my yearbook and it said, "Hey, remember that time when we were on the car looking at the stars. That was awesome. We shoud do it again." It was crazy because I didn't think he remembered any of it. I have numerous, amazing memories of him. I am crazy for that boy... sigh
current mood:  giddy
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3:43 pm - Long time no see
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Wow. I haven't been here in so long. I completely forgot about this thing. I always say I am going to keep a journal of some sort and this made it easier for me somehow, and I guess the days kept going by and I lost track. I'm sorry. I read over my old entries. I can't believe how much has changed since then. I remember all of it quite well, but I have forgotten about it. There has been so much that has gone on that I can't even begin anywhere. I guess it will give me motivation for a day by day explanation then. It will be easier to just write about what's going on now, instead of taking a leap into the past... and I really don't want to go there. A big part of my life right now is a mess. I am. I know I am not taking care of myself and it's all starting to catch up on me. I hate summer. I love it, but I hate it too. Because I have so much time to think in the summer and I hate sitting there thinking about what's wrong. It breaks me down. Last summer I had so much on my mind I got panic attacks. Anyway, to explain myself, I am a vegetarian but I don't eat like a healthy one. I hardly eat the right foods and my hair recently started to fall out because I am not getting the right vitamins, minerals, and especially protein. It is frightening. It truly is. I have gone to the doctor so many times and my arm is still bruised from the last blood test they took. It sucks and I am frightened. I don't want to talk about it anymore. I know I used to talk about Brian and Tyler all the time, so I thought I would add that both of them went on their missions. Tyler left in December and I saw him off at the airport. That was so sad. It hit me really hard and I miss him so much. He went to Brazil. Then Brian left about a month ago, he went to Italy. I didn't make it to the airport to say goodbye to him though. I wanted to. But his plane left at 4:30 in the morning and I slept right through my alarm. I kicked myself for doing that because I wished I was there to say goodbye. I miss him a lot. Thank god for the post office and letters! I got one from him not to long ago, and I still need to write him back. Oops! Anyway, another part is Chris Carey. You would think I would be over him by now, right? We went out for a month, and broke up around this time last year. It's crazy to me that he has such an impact on me, STILL! I just couldn't hold it all in anymore, so I wrote him an e-mail telling him exactly how I felt and his response, to my surprise, was good. He told me that he hasn't been able to forget me either. He assured me that we would definitely have a future, friends or more than that. And he even told me that we have this connection that he has with no one else and that when I am around he has this "undeniable urge" to look at me because I am so beautiful to him. His words in that letter made me melt. No one besides him has ever called me beautiful. And when I'm with him, everything that's wrong in the world seems completely right again. I just feel that when I'm with him, that's the way things are supposed to be. But he has a girlfriend right now and he told me we will have something, later. So pretty much I am waiting for him. I am practically waiting on his every word and I am fine with that. This is what I want... well he is anyway. Let's see, what else is going on? Oh, um... well for the first time I got drunk on the last day of school at Malerie's house with some of my friends. It was so fun and I really needed that. A lot of honest things were said and I am truly glad that some of them were said. Malerie is my best friend. She is like a sister to me. I tell her everything and vice versa. It all sounds sort of childish, but it's true. She recently started liking this guy and he likes her. It is really her first time really "being in love" or whatever you want to call it. And of coarse, I have known this guy since 3rd grade. it was a big mess. I am really afraid of loosing her as my best friend because I have seen it over and over again where guys take their girlfriends away, and when they break up the girl goes back with no friends. I can already see it starting to happen. We've talked about it, but it's not fixed. I smile and say that everything's fine when really I am two seconds away from crying my eyes out. I will bring this up another time, just not now. I think I have written enough for tonight. I will hopefully continue this soon.
current mood: pensive
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| Saturday, September 29th, 2001
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4:05 pm
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I just got back from drama and I decided to write in there because it had been so long since I have! Well... a lot has happened. Good, and bad. I have recently decided that I truly hate change, when people change. Becca and me aren't as close as i wish we could be. Her and this new girl Rocquelle are the best of frinedds now and she always forgets about it and it's a real punch in the face. But me and Mal have become the best of friends this year too which works out for me becuase we are both going through loosing Becca as a friend. Of coarse me and Becca are still going to be friends but not as good anymore. And... in the guy department... It hurts a lot when you get dumped and when you can't get over them. I am just going to let it all out right now, since I'm pretty sure he won't be reading this. I was going out with Chris, and I liked him SO much, but then he dumped me because he said we had a "no where relationship." And it has been about 4 months and I still like him just as much as I did before we broke up. I can't seem to let him go yet. I see him every day now at school in drama and it makes me realize how much I miss him and how much I wish he was my boyfriend again. Not even if he was my boyfriend, just if we had what he used to have, only better. And I know we could have made it work. When two people like each other that much you can't just throw it away, and he always said he never liked anyone as much as me, and I know he wasn't lying. But I want to tell him this but I can't loose his friendship now. He's so important to me. I can't stand it. If he gets a new girlfriend soon my heart is going to break. Just hearing his voice makes me break down into tears, it sucks. But then again, what can i do about it but get over it. He is. Sigh... this sucks
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| Saturday, March 31st, 2001
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11:57 pm
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WOW. All I can say is wow! I just got back from Stacey's house. I had so much fun tonight. I am so glad that I went now. Chris is so great! He is the sweetes and nicest guy ever!
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| Sunday, October 8th, 2000
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6:17 pm
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Wow. I completely forgot about this wonderful live journal thing. I was crying so much toda. I feel relieved now though. I really like brian again- stupid me- I know! But the weather has been so nice and it just made me want to be with him so bad! It's too hard to explain. Just the seasons are bringing me to him. i wish he was mine to hold all the time. I really miss him right now and I want him to be here with me. arg
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| Saturday, October 7th, 2000
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8:42 am
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| Wednesday, June 21st, 2000
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8:13 pm
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Hey there everyone. I have returned. I feel sad right now because I just watched the movie Boys Don't Cry. That movie was so sad. I feel like I need to burst out crying. And yesterday i cried because I saw Brian, so I guess I need to cry again! Yeah I saw Brian cause he was in town yesterady and Tyler took me. He looks so different. He looked really good though. But seeing him made me realize how much I needed him to be around. I miss him so much.
On a better note I saw Daniel yesterday. he was being so nice to me. He gave me this huge hug because I got mad at him for smoking in front of me. But he put it out, so that's better. Yeah and when we were leaving I got a HUGE hug from Brian, and it was so nice. I love being wrapped up in his arms. Then I got a HUGE, and I mean HUGE hug from Shannon afterwards when we went to Double Rainbow to eat. I love her. She's such a great friend to me. And Stacy talked to me and she's so great too. And I got a hug from Tyler, which was good. but then I found out that Tyler and Stacy are dating, so that's weird. But I like it, they've liked each other for so long!
And when we were walking bcak this man was playing his harmonica and we all sat down on the stairs to listen to him. it was beautiful. As Shannon says,
"It's all those simple things in life."
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, June 19th, 2000
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12:20 pm
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hi there everyone. I haven't written in a long time. I just had a birthday, and a party which kinda sucked. Everyone was yelling ay each other. And I was talking to Jill a lot and I invited her to get to know her better but then Angelica started talking to her and so I couldn't talk to Jill anymore. It made me kinda mad. I'll get over it, besides i am used to it by now!
I am here at Sarah's house and last night we drank strawberry daquary's. It was fun! I made them and they were so good!
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| Saturday, May 13th, 2000
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8:17 pm
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I was just sitting here waiting to be picked up by Jake. I am going to dance with him, Brian and Tyler tonight. It should be fun, even though dances usually suck for me. I don't really know, but I want to go even though I'm expecting it to suck. Whatever
Me and Brian are friends again. Apperantly we were never "not-friends", he just didn't have time for me, or something. I don't care, all that matters is that we're friends. He's going to be gone all summer so I want to spend as much as possible with him.
I went with Becca and Angelica to a Senior Olympics thing today, it was really fun- because old people are so cute! They make me sad though, because at any minute they could collapse and die. And it got me to thinking that maybe my grandma isn't as healthy as she should be, or maybe she doesn't really know how much I love her. I am sad about that because I love my grandma and grandpa to death. But they don't really know how much I do.
My eyes hurt. I was watching American Beauty. It was pretty good. I don't know- Too weird though. Too much sex, too.
I guess I should get off here, cause it's like 8:23 and Jakes supposed to come around 8:30 so I have abou 5 minutes. Sorry I haven't written in a long time. I have just been to busy.
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chelsi's journal
tired
